


Loud Enough, Fast Enough

by therudestflower



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Affection Seeking, Asexual Character, Basic descriptions of sex acts, Character Study, Gen, Internalized....everything, Sex because of perceived social expectations, The only M rated Gen fic?, This is more about seeking understanding and fearing being wrong than anything else, Touch-Starved, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:01:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23796577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therudestflower/pseuds/therudestflower
Summary: If he smiled or cried or talked fast or slow enough, no one ever looked close enough to figure out the truth. JJ figured that out ages ago. It applied to secrets big and small, and it definitely applied to him having no idea why anyone ever, ever had sex.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 112





	Loud Enough, Fast Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Please see endnote for content notes, nothing that reached the Big 4 ao3 warnings
> 
> Mx. is a title often used by people for whom Ms./Mrs. or Mr. are incorrect, such as some non-binary people

JJ always did what he needed to get by. He’d never fit in, not  _ really,  _ no charm would erase that he was a legally homeless, special ed, DCS watch list Pogue _.  _ He was too loud, too poor, and too willing to walk on the rail of a bridge barefoot while reciting the alphabet backward to be normal. 

But at the very least, he’d learned that to not be a freak he had to pretend he understood sex. 

Seventh grade was good because most of the time free lunch came with chocolate milk, but it was also bad because JJ got suspended for looking up porn on the library computers and he didn’t even  _ want to.  _

They should have a grace period, and like not go after little kids who were like  _ what the fuck  _ after Mrs. Masden said that a penis goes into a vagina and then people have babies. 

John B could barely look at JJ without laughing, even though he wasn’t even in the room when he fell out of his chair. Fuck, it wasn’t like he hadn’t heard about  _ sex.  _ It was something people did, or wanted to do, or was bad to do with the wrong people, and he'd figured out that it was good to say you'd done it so he _did._

“I didn’t know it was  _ that, _ ” JJ said, “it’s gross.” 

“Dude, are you a fucking idiot?” John B laughed, “Man, you told everyone you fucked Jen Tucker last summer, what did you do then?” 

Yeah, he said that, because everyone said they had sex and life was better when you said what everyone said sometimes. Jesus fucking christ. 

But John B took pity on him, maybe he should have. It wasn’t like anyone sat and talked to JJ about anything for more than a second without screaming, so how was he supposed to find out? The internet? What internet? Books? What books?

John B helped him by showing him how to get around the controls at the library and pulled up a website where dicks went in girls' mouths and sometimes they got hit and a lot of the videos said “Fucking My Stepmom” and things like that. 

“Dude, ew. I feel like I could get arrested just looking at this. Turn it off.” 

“It’s not really like this,” John B said, taking on the soft tone, no judgment. “No one gets hit, and it’s not as violent. And it’s better than jerking off.” 

Right then, the old lady librarian grabbed them both and showed inhuman strength while she yelled into the hall for the CRO, and ruined their lives for a few weeks. It saved him from admitting that he knew that people talked about jerking off, a lot, but he had no idea what that was. 

Like, he found that out later. JJ wasn’t helpless. And he tried it, and it worked, he thought. It felt good, kind of, but mostly he was annoyed trying to avoid touching the spot he came on while he slept, and wasn’t something he wanted to replicate. Seventh grade was years into his discovery that weed and stolen beers and climbing to the top of empty buildings felt amazing and that...was just a weird body thing. 

His body was just something to lug around and resent when it hurt and was hungry, and he would just as soon leave it behind. He liked it when John B looped an arm around his shoulders, or Pope held his arms up to prove that they were equally strong, or Kiara held him down and demanded to know where her book was. That had nothing to do with his dick. 

But obviously, he knew it was something that was wrong with him. Obviously. People assumed he had sex, partially because he lied before he knew what it was, and partially because as he got older it just added to the things people saw when they looked at him. If he was going to be a legally homeless, special ed, DCS watch list Pogue, at least he got to be handsome. God had to give him something, right?

It was nice that girls liked him paid him more attention. Yeah, it was fucking nice to have new people to talk to and be around until he did something that pissed them off. The girls touched his arms and his back and that felt good, he’d always liked being touched any time he could. It was when they reached for his dick or tried to kiss him that he’d laugh and pull away, or fake being sick. Sometimes he just kissed because that was kind of touching which still felt good, but he didn't see the  _ point.  _

For a while at the beginning of high school, he couldn’t keep them away, and when he buried a plea for help into brag, Kie begrudgingly assessed, “You’re hard to get, it’s the law of scarcity.” 

JJ laughed loud and shouted down the school hallway, “I’m available ladies, come and get me,” using his hand as a megaphone. It was hilarious, and JJ knew that even though no one laughed. People didn’t always laugh at the things he did when he was high, for some godforsaken reason. 

“No,” Kie said, “it’s that you won’t sleep with these girls. If you ask anyone, at least. It’s like this backward obstacle course. You’re a blushing virgin, JJ.” 

Kie said it like it was a ridiculous joke, so he laughed and said, “Kie, I’m a fucking slut. I’m probably crawling with STDs.” 

“Ugh,” Kie said, and she walked away from him. 

He had sex with Heidy Montgomery first. She was a Nice Girl, enamored enough with the fact that he was touching her not to notice that he had no idea what he was doing. He was pretty sure it worked because he came and she said she did and later she tried to give him a blowjob and he practically broke his neck on her dresser trying to get away, bouncing and laughing all the way. He buckled his pants up and said he had to meet his connect, did she want to come or would she rather not see that riff-raff? 

If he smiled or cried or talked fast or slow enough, no one ever looked close enough to figure out the truth. JJ figured that out  _ ages  _ ago. 

Then it was like, maybe he was gay? Maybe queer, like wasn’t everyone his age supposed to think they liked dick and tits? If he didn’t like one, maybe he liked the other. He’d never had any problem falling asleep in John B’s bed, even though his friend’s dad raised his eyebrows and said, “You boys need a condom?” sometimes when he came out in the morning. 

But he never wanted to touch John B’s dick, or kiss him. Pope neither, or any of the four dudes he tried to imagine doing that with. That had a more dangerous, _hey maybe don’t think that’ll get you stomped to death_ , element to it. So he wouldn’t test that the way he did with girls, but he knew the answer. 

There was something seriously wrong with him. Not started using drugs in elementary school wrong, not maybe dyslexic wrong, not running straight at danger and ignoring tomorrow until it came wrong. There was something glued down, sick wrong with him. Maybe he’d been hit too hard in the head and the part of him that wanted this was dead. 

One more thing to blame dad for, in the end. Add it to the list. 

They had a total Kook Health teacher junior year. It was the only class he had with Pope, so he actually went and was there when she went over different sexualities. 

No one said boo when she went over heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. She paused and importantly said that all sexualities were equally valid, like it was 2005 or something. Like anyone cased what anyone did with their junk. 

“Of course, some people don’t have sexual feelings or desire have sex at all, asexuality” she said, kind of as an afterthought. JJ felt like he’d be zapped by a cattle prod, he quickly looked around to see if other people were confused, but most hadn’t reacted. 

Because he knew what people would think especially if he phrased it right, JJ called out, “You’re saying there’s people who don’t wanna fuck? Where?” 

He got laughs, and a stern look from Ms. Kook. She talked over them so maybe he heard her wrong when she said, “It’s the same as any other sexuality, JJ, it’s not a joke. There are people who feel no sexual attraction to anyone, and there’s nothing wrong with them.” 

“What, like cause they were raped or got hit or something, or they just don’t at all?” 

That didn’t sound like a joke. That didn’t sound like anything but an actual question. Luckily Ms. Kook was a Kook and sent him to the office. Legally homeless, special ed, DCS watch list Pogues can’t want to learn. 

He was so close, like maybe he wasn’t a total brain damage case, maybe there were other people like this. Couldn’t anyone ever  _ ever  _ actually help him? 

“I just asked questions, that’s it,” JJ said. He was talking fast and fidgeting violently while he sat in the chair across from the vice principal Mx. Everett. Because if he seemed nervous, maybe even scared, they would remember that last time they’d suspended him he’d come back with a broken arm, and the social worker they’d sent to his house did fuck all. He was a scared vulnerable kid, did they really want to put him in danger over something so minor? 

Fast, fidgety, young, JJ said, “You’re always on my case, ‘Oh, participate, ask questions, show up with your brain,’ Mx. Everett. But when I have a real question that I want to know the answer to, I get in trouble. What kind of message does that send to me?” 

Mx. Everett sighed. They were actually a decent vice principal, and JJ’s well based and acted interactions had kept them from calling home more than a few times. “What were you asking about?” 

“I just wanted to know about asexuality, she barely said bull about it, and I had questions, okay? Don’t I get to be curious? I’m here to learn, damn.” 

Mx. Everett’s demeanor changed, they went from looking at JJ like a bug they felt sorry for, to sitting up and focusing. “Ms. Winter said your question was offensive. What did you ask?” 

“I wanted to know if it was caused by being fucking, raped or hit or something. If that is why. Why is that offensive? It’s a question.” 

Mx. Everett glanced through their open office door, then said “In the state of North Carolina an educator can answer spontaneous questions about sexuality. I can answer that, do you want me to?” 

What the fuck? But he wouldn’t step in the way of this, it wasn’t like Mx. Everett would be in the lunchroom like, _“That kid is fucked_ up _. ”  _

“Yeah,” he said, hurriedly. “I mean, I guess.” 

“Asexuality isn’t caused by trauma, but like other sexualities, there are people who’ve experienced traumatic things who are asexual. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them.” 

“What if…” JJ trailed off, “But like, they still like being around people, and they’re like a normal guy, you know? And like, like hugging and people being nice to them and stuff but just like. Don’t like the dick stuff.” 

“That’s fine,” Mx. Everett said, “That’s normal. They might be asexual, they also don’t have to know for sure right now. Now, you mentioned being raped or hit, can I ask you some--” 

So JJ dealt with that, said no about both, only lied about one, and smiled and insulted Mx. Everett to get things on track but not enough to get suspended and got sent back to class. All day he sorted and reworked and analyzed what Mx. Everett said. 

Okay. So maybe there were other people like him. Maybe he wasn’t just fucking broken, at least in this way. It felt like part of his brain was freed up and could work again, not worrying about this. Yeah, there were lots of things wrong with him, but _not this._ If it was fine to be gay, or queer, or for Mx. Everett to be Mx. Everett, why couldn't JJ just--not? Maybe it would be okay if he kind of, pulled back on pretending. 

“Yo,” John B shouted from the other side of the hall when he came out of Gen History. He ran up to JJ and put an arm around him, more to pull him in John B’s direction than out of affection but he would take it. “Hey, listen, I heard Tyla is into you. You want me to hook that up?” 

JJ shoved him away and followed him out the side door labeled “Alarm Will Sound”, ditching without a word about it. “Dude, have I ever needed help? What, you wanna get in on that, psycho?” 

JJ knew exactly how to say the right things, be seen doing what was expected in the right places, and secretly seek out what he actually needed. He’d kiss Tyla at a party, get in a room with her, say he respected her too much to fuck her, and listen to her talk about how much she wanted a horse. 

There were a lot of things wrong with him, but no one could ever say JJ didn't know how to do what he had to do. 

**Author's Note:**

> CW: JJ describes pornography, kissing, masturbating and having sex from the point of view of someone who is confused and sometimes disgusted by these things. JJ has sex to try it out, and does not enjoy it. He has a lot of shame and compares not having sexual feelings to other things "wrong" with him. Also references to abuse at home. 
> 
> There is nothing wrong with being ace. This JJ totally will feel the same way too someday. I know this isn't a standard read on the character, and it was a fun interpretation to play with. 
> 
> Love comments, please comments. I got comments on my last fic and MADE MORE FIC, that's the magic equation


End file.
